“Space Wonderland”
My journey into the unknown
The subculture of space geeks
The ascent of humanity
The growth, enlightenment, and change which ensued.
Note: NASA Tweetup was an event held by NASA via Twitter which selected 150 people from thousands of applicants to experience the backstage of Space Exploration and front seats to one of the last Space Shuttle Launches scheduled. I was one of the people chosen for this once-in-a-lifetime historical event, and this is my story.
THE BEGINNING
I was always fascinated with the world outside our own, the unknown, and the idea of exploring the universe. I enjoy meditating on the mystery and infinity that is the Universe, and how the very thought of those realities can alter my perspective on life and my existence. Yet, I had never concerned myself with the actual history of human activity pertaining to Space Exploration. As an aspiring anthropologist my focus was always on people and culture and the earth. I soon realized that it is that evolution and culture that I study, which led to the amazing accomplishments and feats of humanity’s ascension into Space. I never really learned or absorbed the events, both monumental and tragic, that have occurred in the last 50 years. I had no clue.
At the mention of Buzz Aldrin, I was the one whose voice was heard going, “Buzz?”
I did not know about the Challenger
I could not even pronounce “NASA” correctly. I pronounce it like: “NawSa.”
I tried my hardest to pretend I knew what was going on, I nodded at conversations that I could not even keep up with, and I wondered why NASA would choose me, this clueless yet mesmerized 20-something violinist from LA. I did not even have a phone capable of twittering. I watched as intelligent, successful, passionate people connected all around me, and then connected to the world. I sat there with my ancient phone and felt lost. I felt I had invested so much time and energy on growing and becoming who I am, and now felt humbled by my lack of knowledge and stunted by my lack of advancement toward technology, and my dreams. However, although I started this journey with little expectations, I knew I would come out a changed person. I just had no idea how intensely drastic and amazing that change would be.
I started out far away from everyone, in seedy, cheesy Orlando, in a strange hotel. I felt giddy at having rented my own car for the first time, and happy that I was once again traveling alone. When I got a chance to get into my laptop and check twitter, which was still the old twitter by the way, I noticed all the tweets and updates from Tweetup attendees, and felt pings of regret, like time was running out and I was not having the enriching experience I should be having.
The first day of Tweetup I was late, almost didn’t make it, got lost, and forgot to charge my devices. I had not met anyone, nor had I been to the Visitor Center. I was dehydrated and hungry. I found a seat and realized that everyone around me was on their phone or laptop. I peeked and saw things that seemed foreign to me, like “tweetdeck,” and mini countdown clocks, and a live-streaming hat cam. People asked questions that boggled me. Despite my bad start, my life began to change right there. I found a new respect for technology, and I saw my dreams unfold and doors open as I noticed all that I had missed. The speeches I heard from astronauts and twitter filled me with gratitude. All around me I saw intelligence, thirst for knowledge, passion for space and life, and self-awareness. I saw so many young people. I saw how I could evolve. I saw my future.
The Launch delayed, and our Tour postponed. I was faced with the decision of being safe and taking my flight Tuesday, the next morning, or risking it all. Something told me that I had more to learn and experience. Something told me I just was not ready to leave. I had met someone in the media who I connected with instantly, and we agreed to meet later that night. I managed to acquire a few phone numbers from tweeters, and extended my car rental. That night, I checked out of my hotel in Orlando, packed all my stuff into my car, decided I would miss my flight the next morning, and went on to see where the Universe would take me. That night I took the red pill, entered the rabbit hole that would be this experience, and prepared for the mystery and vulnerability that was Wonderland. I called home and informed everyone that I was staying, and I had no clue what I was going to do.
VULNERABILITY AND PURIFICATION
Off I drove to Cocoa Beach, hoping I would be able to stay the night at this stranger’s hotel. That stranger was the next life-changing experience to happen to me. I shared a magical evening with him, my first ever real conversation with someone truly passionate about Space. He opened my eyes to the wonder and beauty of our history and future. He showed me interviews he did with NASA employees and Astronauts. We talked about life, our paths, and our journeys. I learned more about focus and achieving dreams, and he helped me clear my head, the perfect foundation for what was to come the next day at Tweetup. At midnight I walked barefoot into the vast Atlantic Ocean and starry sky, and allowed my heart and mind to open freely; I felt acceptance and warmth.
Then, I laughed as I sank into the luxurious warm ocean, each wave passing over me cleansing any negativity, insecurities, doubts, and unnecessary rationale from my mind and spirit. I covered myself with soft, moist, muddy earth and rinsed with the healing moonlit waters. I stared up into the night sky and looked up into space with a new understanding and appreciation for the stars above, and the luminous moon making its presence known, and I knew that men had walked there.
Just then it began to rain, the droplets of water mingling with my tears of joy and bliss. From that moment on, my Florida and Tweetup experience was never anything less than completely magical, enlightening, and utterly amazing.
The next morning he treated me to breakfast, and I soaked up the positive vibes and wisdom he had to give me. I cried and thanked him, and when we parted I felt he had been in my life for that brief period for a purpose, and I felt I was saying Goodbye to a cherished friend. I drove through the rain to Kennedy Space Center, determined to experience the Visitor Center before the Tour began. Excitement struck me as I saw the tops of rockets against the sun in the distance, and I knew I had to go there.
TRANSITION AND WONDER
The Rocket Garden was the defining moment in my transition from space “newbie” to space “Geek.” I will never forget, the rockets getting closer as I walked purposefully towards them, their presence growing stronger, and I could hear a thick drum beat in my ear as people and crowds seemed to part, and the rocket peaks grew taller as I neared them. Standing at the bottom of the first rocket I approached, I gazed up at it with reverence and respect, and felt once again humbled and amazed. I turned on my digital camera and recorded that moment, and you can see the emotion in my eyes and the disbelief in my face. I felt silly and ashamed for my lack of attention and respect for NASA and Space Exploration. I left for the tweetup tour a new person, one dedicated to learning all I could, and then spreading the enthusiasm to others, including my little brother. My timing could not have been more perfect.
First stop on the tour was the Vehicle Assembly Building. The path fate had laid out for me seemed predestined and carefully calculated, as each event leading up to the next had the perfect amount of impact and escalation to bring me to all new levels of understanding and being. It began with my instincts, was fused by a magical conversation, was lit by the Rocket Garden, and had now reached an almost overwhelming blaze and energy as my excitement for this new world and appreciation grew. At the same time, I could feel myself becoming renewed. I could hardly process it, but I let it happen.
The VAB was the closest I will ever get to the Death Star, I always said. It was incredible in there. At the time, I still had no idea what anyone was talking about, so I set myself on soaking in the visuals and doing my best to keep up. I did feel as if I was standing in an ancient and sacred temple of some sorts, one that has held monumental and precious machines that hold more meaning then I could even fathom at the time. This is what we should be idolizing, wondrous vehicles to the outside world created by the minds and hands of humans with endless vision, brazen tenacity, and courageous endurance. I looked at the speechless faces around me, as childlike wonder and humility filled the air and a common, silent admiration unified us all. Attempts to capture the presence and intensity of the VAB went futile, as nothing could appropriately express the energy and epic immensity of it all.
My ignorance regarding space exploration was a gift at that moment. I stared up into the intricate scaffolding in curiosity, feeling as if I had indeed entered Wonderland, as the Mystery overcame me. I knew nothing of the men and women who created this reality, but I knew they were my heroes. I knew nothing of the machines that were assembled in this building, but I knew that they meant more than anything to me at that moment. I knew nothing of space history, but the shuttle banners and writing on the walls told me that it was an odyssey of grand significance. I knew nothing, but I felt everything.
Riding on this high, I went on to experience the runway and structures and buildings, still mysterious to me, but my comprehension formulating and working the more I saw. It was the Apollo Reenactment and Saturn V that sealed my fate as a life-long space enthusiast. When I heard Kennedy’s words for the first time in my life, “We Choose to Go to the Moon!” I cried tears of triumphant and appreciation. I looked to my right and saw another with tears in his eyes. I felt I had lived my life missing something so incredulous and important: Our journey into Space. One speech has so much power and inspired so many to dream and venture beyond. The Apollo reenactment was overwhelming, and I felt I had truly been transported back into time to the moment of the launch, feeling the fear, nervousness, joy, and victory that everyone felt then. Then, exiting to the right, through my tears I saw the monstrous entity that is the Saturn V. For a moment I could not breathe, I could not walk, all I could do was stop in my tracks and stare. I let out an audible gasp and almost dropped by camera. I called everyone I knew back home but no one answered. I looked around for tweeters but did not see any. Finally, I took a seat on the floor and just stared at the end of the Saturn V, and for a moment it was just me and the enormous rocket, sharing a quiet moment, a moment of wisdom and enlightenment. I grew in that moment, I became a new person, and I felt the kind of emotion that can not be expressed in words. No, this is a feeling that can only be expressed through my violin.
Finally, the time came to see the Shuttle, the climax of escalating events. I truly felt like a child playing “Pirates,” on a hunt to find the ultimate treasure. As our bus neared the shuttle, excitement filled the air. This had to be what it feels like to find treasure. The Discovery’s monumental presence demanded the highest respect and reverence. It truly is a treasure, buried under layers and layers of mental capacity, imagination, dreams, and skilled human hands. I used all my energy and every ounce of feeling to soak up that Once-In-A-Lifetime moment. The opportunity to be so close to the shuttle is so rare, if not nearly impossible. I gazed at every inch of it, took in every bit of energy it projected, and connected with the emotion and excitement of the passionate people all around me. When we had to leave Discovery, it was like parting from an old friend. I felt nostalgic and infatuated as the bus departed, yet filled with gratitude.
THE RED PILL
The tour ended, and fear and insecurity began to creep its way back into my mind. Where would I stay? What should I do? Luckily, my petty fears were blurred by the purification and high that resulted from my incredible day. A very special and perceptive tweeter had noticed my lost and lone status and began to talk to me and introduce me to others. By doing so he triggered the next epic half of my Florida Space Odyssey. I had soaked up and appreciated the world of Space and technology, but that was only the beginning. I had much more to learn, and it would be from the people. I am forever grateful to him for his action to bring me into the mix, as I am unsure if I would have had the courage to infiltrate the already bonding tweetup group, after having stayed to myself most of the time. That same perceptive person would later give me the gift of a memorable and cherished conversation that also changed me and inspired me. I had seen tweeters wearing shirts for houses people had congregated at to rent, and I knew people were going home and spots may open. Soon I heard about a tweetup “logistics” meeting at the Big House. I had an address written on my hand, and a couple nameless numbers in my phone. I had a rental car loaded with my stuff, and I was standing in an emptying parking lot, the magic and energy of everyone’s excitement still floating in the air, the glow of the shuttle peering back at me from the distance. I could spend money on a hotel or sleep in my car, but I knew what I had to do. I had no choice; I had to go to the Big House. There was more treasure awaiting me there.
My 30 minute journey to the Big House was one of overcoming fears, mental conversation, and breaking down of insecurities. It really is silly, looking back. Truthfully I felt ashamed of my ignorance in regards to space. I almost turned back and changed my mind several times. First, I could not locate the address in my GPS and panicked. Before I could chicken out I called one of the numbers and received directions which I quickly scrawled on my leg, as I could not find paper. I almost missed the exit and felt lost, and wondered if I should just go to a hotel. Fate would not let me get off that easy. I found the street and parked. After gathering my composure and courage I started toward the house, but was stopped by a resident who could not get through due to my horrible parking job. I was embarrassed and now hesitant to continue, but did so anyway after a harsh mental lecture while sitting in my car for 5 minutes. I rang the doorbell and there was no answer. Inside I could hear laughing and talking and excitement. Intimidated, I turned to walk away but then with my last ounce of courage knocked on the door. I waited and was in mid-turn when the door was opened, and I was let into the Big House.
Even after I was inside, I wanted to turn back, as I felt like an outsider, but it was the Mothership who welcomed me and changed everything. She got me a drink, offered me a spot to sleep, and even told me I could do laundry. Her friendly and warm presence touched me deeply and sealed my destiny as a Big House resident, which unfolded a series of experiences I would never forget. That night was a blur of wine, socializing, conversation, and realization. I was touched by the unification of everyone as they worked together to make dreams of seeing launches happen. I admired the dedication and fervor these people had, and I felt lucky to have found the kind of people I always been seeking, people with spirit, fire and lust for life and knowledge.
LEARNING FROM THE PEOPLE
My first night at the Big House, I was up until 4 or 5 in the morning having my next life-changing conversation with a fellow Intuitive and in general: amazing human being. We found much in common in regards to perspective on life and world travel, and I felt utterly inspired and uplifted by his words and wisdom. Throughout my experiences I had more conversations with him which continued to exhilarate me and provoke new ideas, thoughts, and focuses.
The next day I watched a disciplined and hard-working student work on her physics homework diligently. As I trolled around on facebook, I stole glances at her seemingly impossible and complex looking work, and admired her perseverance and commitment. I also found out that she had delayed her graduation for the launch, which made me see even more how important and significant this event was. Hearing that is what made me decide that no matter what, no matter what I sacrifice and how much I go broke, I am sticking it out until the end. I will see this launch if it happens, or risk everything to try. As I watched her spend hours on this work, I thought to myself: “Why can’t I learn physics?” It was then that I realized how much I have been limiting myself by placing restrictions on myself, justifying my laziness, and accepting deeply rooted programming. Having always believed I was a so-called “right brainer” whose intelligence is limited to arts, music, and culture, I now knew that was Baloney, and I knew that if I so desired I could go learn math and physics and understand it well.
Wednesday held many more surprises. I witnessed beautiful poetry from the Mothership, which brought tears to my eyes. I viewed enchanting and mesmerizing magic tricks. I read the blogs and writing of the people who unknowingly taught me. I sat out on the dock and watched dolphins swim as I embraced the mystery of the days to come, and the wisdom that seemed to lurk around every corner. I was simply a sponge, soaking up any and all bits of information, enlightenment, humanity, and understanding that I could. Just when I thought my mind could not process it quickly enough, I had the opportunity later than night to hear the wise words of a truly amazing Individual: Astronaut Scott Palazynski, who traveled to space 5 times and climbed Everest. Hearing him speak of overcoming fear and accomplishing amazing feats even through significant obstacles such as injury and disaster, was inspiring to say the least. Watching people around me gaze in admiration at a man who has reached such capabilities and achievements through unwavering determination, made me immensely grateful for the company I was in. We live in a world where celebrities and socialites are idolized, and it was a breath of fresh air to see people celebrate a human of true quality, for reasons that sparked fire in their hearts and provided fuel for their own personal obstacles and journeys.
Yet my Wednesday was far from over. That night I had too much emotion and love to process, and the only way I could express this to the universe was through my violin. I quietly slipped away and tuned my strings, eager to find out what would come from them once I would lay my bow on them. I stood out on the dock with the breeze kissing my flesh and flowing through my hair, the salty water purifying my soul, and my emotions begging to be released. My violin, my soul’s extension and the avatar of my thoughts, began to sing, its clear notes ringing through the night air. Alone in the dark I cried through my instrument, my fingers falling where they desired, controlled and manipulated by the chaos and peace that filled my heart. Waves slapped at the dock, providing a subtle beat for my music, and the starry night sky welcomed my gaze as I stood in a trance, revealing all that I felt and all that I wanted to become.
I completed my phrase of music, and released my bow from the strings, as the breeze let me know that the Universe had heard me. The most extraordinary moment came next, the moment when I heard applause and clapping from behind me, and I turned to see a group of people watching me and capturing my special moment with their devices. I immediately felt so grateful that my moment did not disappear into the night, and that instead it was shared. I knew that by hearing my music and spirit sing, they too felt what I felt, and they too understood what I was trying to express. I knew that I had contributed something to these people, although I did not know how. I just knew that it was important and special that I was playing my violin there at the Big House, after the epic day that we experienced together.
I continued to play, their energy and presence changing my music and tone as I felt their warmth. Migrating inside the house, another amazing human being took out a guitar, and we began to Jam. It was beyond words. Our energies danced and we vibed on the moment and experiences, listening to each other’s voices in the music and allowing each to be heard and expressed. Then the melodies became one as we entered a world where time stood still. The infinite, vast Universe I had spent the day admiring collapsed into a brief moment of cherished exchange, between two people sharing music and exposing their humanity. From the spectacular vastness of Space from which our miraculous existence emerged, a brief moment in millions of years of history made itself known, stopped time, and left a legacy in the minds of all present.
The rest of that night was a blur of laughter, hilarity, and fried pickles. The next morning held the news of another Launch delay. For hours everyone united and scrambled to adjust their travel plans, helping each other as best as they could. My jam partner helped me drop off my rental car, and the way back even more good conversation ensued. Everyone I met and every conversation I had seemed to be just another step and another clue towards realization, opening my mind, and embracing the hearts, journeys, and minds of others. That night held more festivities, hilarity, and conversation as we were all sure that the launch would happen the next day: Friday.
BEAUTY AND ENLIGHTENMET
I was awoken early Friday morning with excitement and eagerness. Everyone hustled to get ready, pack food, and be on our way to see the launch. I felt overwhelmed with giddiness and happiness, and around me I could feel the energetic passion of everyone ready to see the moment we had been waiting for and sacrificing for. The way to the Press Area we saw signs for the launch, we waved to others on their way, and we recorded the drive. We left the car with our stuff and bounced towards the countdown clock, counting down the hours until the launch. We barely blinked and looked away, but when we looked back at the clock it began counting up. Still hopeful and unsuspecting, we made our way towards the tent. First I spotted a face which held such disappointment and grief, and then I heard the word, “Leak.” Then I heard the word, “Crack.” Soon our high had unraveled and we went from excited, to hopeful, to doubtful, to Fail. The Launch was scrubbed.
Out there by the clock now counting upwards, with the glorious shuttle in the distance, harsh reality set in as the Discovery Flag was pulled down from its post. You could feel the hearts sinking all around, and visages everywhere held back no emotion as we tried to process the fact that it was Over. We hugged and cried, and embraced the last remnants of the tweetup in hopes that we could be healed. We questioned Dan Tani the Astronaut and found it in our disappointed hearts to laugh at his hilarious take on space travel. In between tweets of sadness there were tweets of quotes. We hung out with Robonaut more and took pictures at the clock. Finally, I think we all realized that as we stood together there, the true significance and importance that this event held. I think we all looked back at our sacrifices, emptying bank accounts, and week of launch delays, and we saw clearly what had happened. I think we all saw ourselves in a new light, having been renewed and impacted by the week. I think we looked around and looked inward, and saw that a monumental change had occurred.
NASA Tweetup was imperative to the future of Space exploration. Our little group of 150, and then 80, and then less, held so much more power than we can even imagine. By providing this experience, and by the mystery of such a perfectly balanced group, NASA has sent out in to the world an army of space evangelists to carry on and advance our society beyond anything we have now. They took me, an unsuspecting, distracted 20-something musician from LA, and transformed me into a person who will spread the word and encourage people of all ages to support and embrace space travel, in addition to inspiring others with my own newfound passion and knowledge. They took me, someone completely clueless, and put me in with the most genuine and non-judgmental people to teach me and guide me. One night I admitted to everyone that I simply had no idea what they were talking about. I was tired of nodding and smiling and pretending. Upon hearing my confused tone inquire as to who Buzz was, space geeks gladly and openly taught me about NASA, history, rockets, and space. I will never forget getting a crash course, people who stayed up all night until 5AM talking to me about space and technology and history. I drifted off to sleep to the sound of their passionate and nonjudgmental voices and dreamed of stars and galaxies.
I began this journey with the simple goal of wanting to travel alone, having just turned 25, and with an urge to “get away” after having turned a quarter century old. I knew nothing about space and saw this tweetup as an avenue and opportunity to escape. For all I knew, it was a slipup of NASA to choose me for this event, over someone more worthy. 2010 was an intense year of change and growth for me, and I wanted to escape to process it. What I didn’t know, was that this trip was not just a grand finale for a triumphant year of productivity and growth, as I had previously thought. Instead, my year of 2010 was all preparation for this final lesson and epic escalation into my potential and awareness. It had all led up to this. Now, a new chapter of my life has opened, with endless horizons and infinite potential. I have revealed my dreams of anthropology, subculture, writing, music, travel, and more to these people, and I found people who believed in me. I found people who believed in what I said and what I was to become. Their faith in me and their encouragement and wisdom has given me clarity, focus, and a renewed sense of life.
I am ready to write books and teach the world. I am ready to explore my dreams and be successful. I want to travel the world and become a space nomad, sharing in this subculture which revolves around advancement and human capabilities. I want to inspire, mentor, and encourage others, especially the youth. I have recognized my potential and all that I can do, and with the support and wisdom of my new friends and mentors, along with the life-changing experience NASA gave me, I Will Do It.
The night of the scrubbed launch we celebrated at the Big House. Although we were not celebrating a shuttle ascending into space, we were still celebrating a launch. We had each experienced our own personal launch, into the unknown realms of our minds, into the atmosphere of our growth, into the space of our future, waiting to be seized and embraced.
