My Moment in Time

I DID IT!!

I overcame my Fear of rejection and I let go of the insecurities holding me back.

I made my Street Debut last night, as promised.

Lets back up a bit..............

This past weekend I attended the Millionaire Mind Intensive by T. Harv Eker. It was an intense, enlightening 3 day Seminar which included various techniques for getting in touch with your demons, shedding your childhood programming, ridding your mind of negative thoughts, and learning the ways of The Force.

The Seminar enabled you to learn and train your Jedi powers, while gaining valuable knowledge about wealth and money. One process helped us learn to overcome our fear.

Please visit www.peakpotentials.com if you are interested in similar endeavors.

Here are some ways I have changed since this weekend:

1. I no longer resent rich people.
2. I will become a rich person so I can live my dreams
3. I have drastically improved my ability to socialize, and at the same time I have shed some of the inhibitions that keep me from living my life, acting silly, and meeting interesting and diverse people.
4. I have come to terms with my deepest demons and faced them so that I may love myself more and allow myself the freedom to live without baggage.
5. I have realized the negative thoughts that hold me back, and I have replaced them with kick-ass thoughts
6. I have learned tools and techniques to avoid muddling my mind
7. I have tasted "the secret" and the process of manifestation.

8. I have gained the strength to overcome my fears

That last one is BIG.

I am a Violinist. My Dream is to play. I want to play in the world, in the streets, in the public.

I want to be the soundtrack to your Moment. I want to be the pretty melody over car horns and urban chaos. I want to inspire people as I have been inspired by the free-spirited street musicians I have encountered in my past. I want to be in the midst of the action, yet in my own perfect zone, just me and my notes.

For years my fears and insecurities have kept me from reaching this dream.

Near the end of the Seminar we broke through our fears by breaking an arrow with our throat. On my arrow was written my fears. I will never forget the absolute triumph I felt after hearing that "Snap."

Full of Energy and pure joy, I decided to share with the rest of the Seminar my fear and what I would do to overcome it. I took the mic and told everyone that I would be playing my Violin on Pine St. and Ocean next weekend. I was then told by the speaker that I should do this sooner. The next day, 7 PM, Pine and Ocean.

I agreed, and made a promise to the Universe, and to Myself, that it was time to end this, and start a new beginning.

The World is MY Playground, this is MY Life, and damn it, I want to play my violin out on the street.

So I did.

Yes I was nervous most of the day, and I spent quite some time listening to the top 40 most Inspirational songs ever, including but not limited to:

"Final Countdown" - Europe
"Lose Yourself" - Eminem
"Alive" - Celine Dion
"Chariots of Fire"

And the beautiful song I had the pleasure of experiencing in unifying bliss at the Seminar: "Moment in Time" by Whitney Houston.

Finally the moment came. I donned my electric blue fishnets and placed the broken arrow in my violin case. I gathered my 2 best friends (who are so amazing and supportive) and found the perfect spot on Pine/Ocean, right in front of the Convention Center.

I stalled while rosining my bow, and then..................I just played.

I played from my heart and soul. I played what I felt like playing. I played what I felt represented the moment.

Sure I messed up at times. It did not matter because the joy of playing in Downtown of my hometown, with the fresh Autumn air kissing my cheek, was intoxicating. The city lights as my background, the urban shuffle, and then the notes of a violin ringing through the air.

I was there. I was not confined to my home, with walls surrounding me. There were people, strangers, walking by. A few watched. A Parking attendant almost gave me a ticket. It was Amazing.

I felt the fear slip away, and I laughed at the silliness of it all.

As Promised I have provided footage of the event. Below are videos of my Street Debut.

Next Mission? Same spot, but on a Friday or Saturday night.

Footage:

**If you have trouble viewing you can go to my Video Bar (On the Left) to see the Youtube versions. There are 3 videos here, but there are more on my Youtube channel. *

Preparation

Tallulah Jammin!!!!

A Beautiful moment--Playing Meditation

Goodbye, Comfort Zone

The Time has come for me to Act.

I will report the Outcome.

Courage: Acting in Spite of Fear

Overcoming Fear (repost)

While in the mountains with a cherished friend and his family, I had an experience which brought realization and clarity about the process of overcoming fear. I noticed different stages in the process which I found resembled my own life and experience.

FEAR
DELIBERATION
ACCEPTANCE
TRIUMPH

Overcoming fear is a vital part of achieving growth and success in life. As an anti-social aspiring violinist, I have realized that I will not get anywhere with my music if I hide and hope. I need to take action and overcome certain fears, such as meeting people and playing in front of them. Obvious right? Yet for me, frightening.

While in the mountains a couple people mentioned a night hike, and I jumped at the chance to experience the peace and tranquillity of night in the forest. Out of the car and at the beginning of the trail, my excitement quickly transformed into fear, and I could not remember why I wanted to embark on this adventure in the first place.

Now this night was moonless, so it was extra dark. The black of the night seemed to envelope us, and it was so quiet. Unable to enjoy the peace, I nervously wondered what animals could be hiding in the shadows waiting to attack, or if some psycho would be residing somewhere up ahead. In my mind I knew that there was little to fear in the safe and populated mountains of family-friendly Big Bear California. However, it was the Unknown which drove me to fear.

Onward we walked, into the dark, without flashlights, into the forest. I was trembling and my head was filled with horrible images and unlikely events. My head jerked with each sound, and I felt trapped. This is the first stage. I like to call it: FEAR.

This is a familiar feeling. It is similar to the feeling I had at LAX before I stepped on a plane, alone, to go to Africa. I also recall having this feeling when auditioning for a symphony after a 3 year hiatus. Experiences such as those involve overcoming fear, in addition to dangerous situations such as having a knife held to your throat or worse. I can think of many instances in my life where I was afraid, and it is paralyzing. This is the crucial time where you make the decision to give in, or to overcome.

I halted on the trail. I wanted to go back. Screw this. The comfort and safety of the car or cabin appealed to me, and I did not wish to remain in this world of uncertainty. I felt this same feeling my first day for the symphony. On that night, I stood outside the door listening to the strings for an hour, paralyzed with fear of humiliation and insecurity. On that night, I stood for an hour and let my fear overcome me, and I walked back to my car in defeat, back to the comfort of my home, without having achieved anything. My temporary relief did not bring me any closer to success or growth with my music.

Onward we went. This next stage is called: DELIBERATION
In our minds we weigh the pros and cons of action. To overcome fear, we need to convince ourselves that the outcome can and will be fine. In this situation, I felt pretty afraid that I would be eaten alive and never to be found. However I kept thinking of my dreams of living in the Amazon jungle, and by doing this I was training myself for the future. I recalled wandering through the bush in Africa with no light, and realized it had been more dangerous than this small endeavor. I remembered that I was in good company, and that if they were unafraid why shouldn't I be? I imagined reaching the top and experiencing the moment and view ahead.

My first night at the symphony did not result in successful deliberation. In that instance, I convinced myself that I would walk in and be humiliated, and once I started playing the entire group would look at me in disdain at having tarnished their beautiful music. The next week, I thought about how proud my Nonni would be if I were in a symphony, and how magical it would feel to be apart of something great. I remembered how far I had come as a violinist, and imagined how I would feel on a stage with a full symphony, my Nonni smiling at me from the audience. That night, I overcame my insecurities and fears, and I took the first step into the abyss.

Once deliberation is over, you have decided to step forward or turn back. Lets assume you step forward, since this is the process of overcoming fear, not giving in to it. At this point you are still uncertain, but the shock is a bit worn off. You still tremble, but have the confidence to act. I like to call this stage: ACCEPTANCE.

You have accepted your decision to move forward, despite your fear. Congrats! There is no turning back now. You feel a little proud of yourself, yet a part of you wonders if you did the right thing. As I continued my journey through the darkness, my eyes adjusted, and I began to feel silly about my previously overwhelming emotions. The moonless sky was littered with stars that I was blind to only 5 minutes before. I was surounded by a quiet that I had always longed for, but did not notice through my racing thoughts.

My bow was hesitant at first, but soon found it's stride. I had more off moments than ones of glory, but despite my flaws I rediscovered those triumphant moments of pure, unified, musical bliss.

This stage is called: TRIUMPH
I was filled with adrenaline as I stumbled over rocks and quickened my pace. I knew the top was near. A turn of a curve and I had reached the view that had been our mission. I sat on a rock and relished in the starlit expanse before me, no longer obstructed by trees or shadows. I sat and listened to the silence, taking the ultimate comfort in our presence there. It was near 3am in the morning, and I was on the top of a mountain feeling more alive and human than ever.

I took my seat with the violins and anticipated the first note. The symphony climaxed and crescendoed, and timeless, glorious music filled the ears of those listening, including my Nonni.
I felt cool water trickle down my body as I bathed in the sunlight, serenaded by the harmonies and magic of West African chanting, looking over a view of green hills and bright bush. I followed the beat of the drum and it took me places I never imagined, and some that I had dreamt of.

These moments of triumph are all the result of Overcoming Fear. The process is grueling, but the outcome is divine. These experiences add to our strength. Some experiences are life-altering, and some are just a little extra padding to support your life journey. Many are reality checks, and you realize that things are not so bad afterall, and perhaps we should just chill out and stop worrying.

Most of us have fears that currently hold us back. I know I do. Are you too comfortable? How is that box working out for you?

My fear right now is putting myself out there. I want to play my violin out on the street like a crazed gypsy. I want to express my music as people wander by. I want to be the soundtrack to their moment.

Will I take the step and overcome these fears like I know I can? Or will I keep making amateur youtube videos in the comfort of my room?

The process is grueling, but the outcome is divine.

FEAR DELIBERATION ACCEPTANCE TRIUMPH

Altering my Food State of Mind

I have recently decided that my main problem when it comes to Health is that I have been pre-conditioned to adopt certain habits due to the culture and society I was brought up in. As an aspiring Anthropologist I like to research other cultures, and recently I have discovered many habits and ways of life that have kept me from reaching new levels of Wellness.

I recall my experience in Ghana, Africa. During the month that I was there, I slimmed down, was full of Energy, and felt a sense of well-being, even though I had other bad habits at the time, such as smoking and drinking. My diet consisted of white rice and doughs made from the Cassava plant. I ate an abundance of vegetables such as tomato, yam, and onion, and I rarely ate meat except for Goat and chicken on a few occasions. I also had eggs almost every day. I did not eat sugar or sweets, because they were unavailable. My last full day there, I made homemade peanut brittle, which consisted of raw peanuts and a bit of sugar. It took us hours to make it, and the result was amazing.

Much of what I learned stuck with me, such as the realization of the horror of fast food, which I try to refrain from, and the importance of learning to cook. However not a day goes by that I do not crave chocolate and cheese and pasta. However for months after I returned I had no desire to consume those things.

We are a product of our environment, and we can become addicted to certain foods if we feel dependent on them.

In Ghana I also walked (hiked) every single day, and used my body to do daily tasks such as carry water on my head, carry bricks to help build a house, grind food, and try to keep my ass from touching the ground as I squat to pee in the bush.

The people in Ghana are sculpted to perfection, with strong muscles and little body fat. As humans we are meant to work for our food and use our bodies to survive. I have lived my life in a society revolved around convenience and speed, where exercise is looked upon with disgust and the purpose of food is pleasure.

At this point, instead of counting calories, planning diets, and obsessing over the "correct" way to live, I am going to re-evaluate my lifestyle in general, and figure out what part of my life is pre-conditioned and work on changing that.

I was mostly inspired by the following article, which outlines "secrets" from around the world in regards to living healthy.


http://shine.yahoo.com/event/autumninnewjeans/8-weight-loss-secrets-from-around-the-world-518978/

***Update: Awesome Web Site "French Women Don't get Fat."


The two tips that stuck out the most to me, were as follows:

1. Stop eating before you're full.
2. When you're eating, just eat.

Why do I feel so obligated to finish my food, or grub on a particularly amazing dish as if it is the last meal I will ever have? I LOVE food, but maybe I would take more pleasure in it (and be healthier) if I paid attention to the process of consuming my "fuel" and recognize when my body does not need any more.

Eating is an inconvenience that must be done as I partake in other activities. I want to get rid of this attitude and designate time for eating and make it a pleasurable event.

I encourage you to take a look at the article and do your own research. Perhaps you have habits you need to modify. If you got it handled and are already on top of your game, please feel free to provide some insight.

I shall keep you updated!

Perfect Autumn Day

I sit at a pleasant, quiet Starbucks sipping my Pumpkin Spice non-fat latte and Reflecting for a moment on this brilliant day. I am watching a mother play with her child. I take great joy in the rustling of the trees, and the movement of their leaves, after what seems like months of stillness and warmth. Their fluid motion inspires me to want to move like them, and I recall the freedom of my body and sensuality as I belly danced earlier today. My body is still stimulated from the yoga I did n mid-afternoon, as sunlight poured through my window, feeding my spirit. I am still delighting in my inner child from the playful bike ride I experienced, which included a stop on the swings and a catlike nap on a graffiti covered bench. Throughout the day a crisp, spicy scent filled my nostrils, and a vibrant breeze touched my skin. As my senses overwhelmed me, I realized we can experience a change of seasons in Southern California.

I change with the seasons as well, just as many of us do. Autumn is my magical, meaningful season. It is the one where I seem to be the most tranquil and energized. A new sense of hope and inspiration overcomes me during this time, and I fantasize about that first day, the day I truly feel the transformation of the season, and of myself.

That is why Today was about me. It was about my well-being, sense of self, and future. Today when I awoke to the breeze in my window, I knew that I deserved a quiet, self-reflecting day of Me. Oh, what a lovely day it has been.

My life will be changing drastically soon, and so will my Blog. This Blog will remain an account of my experience with Subculture and observations of humanity. However I will also be writing about my personal growth and journey.

Why does it sometimes feel like Life has Just Begun?

Running Away with a Purpose. -Disturbing Dream + Insight

Ah, weekend naps and the journeys they take me on. Today I had a terrifying dream, with one aspect of comfort. It left me delirious.

This dream took me right in to the shoes of a young Jewish girl, around 10, maybe younger, in a labor camp during the Holocaust. This is the first dream I have ever had where I was completely taken from my life and thrust in to the body of another. I had two sisters and a mother, who was killed by gun shortly after arrival. My sisters were older and quiet, but I was the clever one. For the first few days we did what we were told, but then I began to get curious. Still naive to the danger I was in, I would go exploring.

The dream flashed from older, grayish historical settings, to urban modern scenes. It was kind of like that Romeo and Juliet movie with Leonardo Dicaprio.

While exploring I came across a storm drain next to a park. I began walking along the storm drain when I spotted Nazi soldiers having a fire and party in the park. I tried to hide as best as I could when I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I turned and met the eyes of a man whose face was partially blurred, but his piercing eyes touched my soul. He took my hand and asked me what I was doing. I never spoke, only listened. He had immense power over me. I felt like I was in a Trance. Before I knew it I was back at the Labor camp, feeling like it had all been a Dream.

His presence haunted my mind and imagination, and I felt obsessed with seeing him again. I felt he was my savior. My Sisters were worried and begged me to stay in the camp and not appease my curiosity, but I found myself back at the Storm Drain. I walked through the park that night, growing older with every step. The mist clouded my vision and the cool, crisp night enhanced my senses. Now, as myself, in the present, not as a Jewish girl, I found him, facing away towards the full moon, mist flowing around his figure. I saw that he wore a soldier's uniform, and he put his hand out for me. I took his hand and became immersed in his trance once again. Then, back at the Labor Camp, as a young Jewish girl.

A loud noise woke me, and the voices of German soldiers cut through the night. We were being herded together and headed toward a different area of camp. A cloud of doom enveloped me, and I knew I had to get away. I managed to help my sisters escape and we were running through the forest. A large structure appeared in the distance and we went to it. We ran up wooden steps, through a large theater and a room with a chandelier, and reached more steps. We 3 little Jewish girls ran up and ran into German ladies who looked at us with disgust, but were busy pampering and packing their things, to apparently move out of this house they were in. We ran into a room still reeking of perfume, locked the door, and hid behind a large arm chair. Soon we feel asleep.

*I woke up at this part of the dream. I then drifted back to sleep and it continued:

Sunlight filled the room, and we awoke to the sound of marching footsteps. An entire fleet of German Soldiers were marching towards us. We were next to a window now, and I could see. I felt Dread creep up my body and fill my chest, my fear was overwhelming and I knew that death was approaching. They marched up the steps and lined up next to the window. A command was given to ease, and we saw the soldiers take their hats off. The leader, a nasty looking fellow with bad teeth, saw my hiding, and promptly opened the door.

This was the most vivid part of my dream. He knew how intimidating he was to me, he knew the power he had over me, and he relished in it. He Fed off it. He loved every excruciating moment it took to walk towards me, squat down, and place his cruel face right over mine. I was shaking uncontrollably and my sisters were crying. He did not seem to care for my sisters, but gazed upon me with a triumphant grin, eager to crush my spirit and every ounce of life within me. I did not cry but instead held his gaze with utter fear. I spoke, "I am so sorry sir...." but was interupted by a wicked slap across the face. It was then that my cheek burned and my face reddened. He asked me if I was the little shit that had been wandering about the park and storm drain, and I replied "Yes." He told me that I should have Burned with the others, the night before, but now he would be able to deal with me personally. He began taunting me, and then he began poking me and pinching me profusely, and slapped me around. The other soldiers looked on with amusement. One came and cut the throat of my oldest sister, while the other screamed. The lead soldier was on top of me, and I looked over his shoulder and saw a glimpse of light.

The man from the park was strolling surounded by a glimmering aura, and the soldiers became silent. He approached and ordered the lead soldier to stop. He held my eyes and took my hand.

Then I woke up.

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After thoughts:

The settings of this dream were probably inspired by my last week. I watched 2 Holocaust movies, Schindlers List, and The Boy In The Striped Pajamas. The Storm Drain was inspired due to an Urban Exploration adventure I took last Sunday where I went under LA to check out the art and grafitti. The cruel leader of the soldiers probably represents a past abusive relationship, and the man in the Mist is the same man that has appeared in my dreams since childhood, also known as "The Shadowman."

I am in a period of my life where I feel vulnerable, yet Curious. I am currently imprisoned by my own mind, unable to reach the next level of freedom within myself. I feel like my days are wasted away working and I crave new experiences. I want to feel passionate, meaningful, and free. Yet my fear stifles my spirit.

I constantly feel like I am running away from one thing, and running towards another.

Running away with a purpose.

Fear of crushing my demons. The need to be submissive and overpowered, yet without abuse and pain.

The desire for a magical, misty, Moment.

The desire to be Understood, the desire to be Set Free.

New Breed of Goth developing overseas

The next generations are taking the Goth Subculture to a whole new level.

Alienated youth strive for a more peaceful and positive purpose, while claiming their dark identities.

What is the new definition of "Gothic Subculture?" Is it merely dressing in Black and maintaining a "dark" aura? Or is it a deeper philosophy?

Here is an article on Goth Youth in Singapore, using their identities to promote social good and make a difference in the world.

Those who are alienated by society, are using their subculture to improve society. Interesting!

http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5indNVAvVqiCrek8O64r_Oy7e6URw