BDSM Subculture - Observations of People

BDSM: Bondage and Discipline (BD), Dominance and Submission (DS), Sadism and Masochism (SM)



I have been attending BDSM and fetish events and parties for about 7 years now. This subculture is beautiful in it's theatrics and drama, the fantasy coming alive and touching people's deepest needs.....yet only on the surface. There is a much more intense realm, one that I have not yet touched upon, as far as finding true, genuine people goes. I have found a few, but they are far and in between.

What I mean by "True" and "genuine" are those people who crave and desire a Power Exchange.....an intense exchange of energy. I do not intend to undermine the nature of those I encounter at events. I appreciate the subculture of open-minded and kinky individuals. I love the show: Masters with slaves on leashes, flesh hook suspensions, rope bondage, whips and chains.........It is a fabulous display of kink, fetish, and human nature. Most or all of those involved in the events must have some kind of submissive or dominant nature deep within them that they must indulge. They crave the presence of others who can relate.

So far I have observed certain types of people involved with this subculture:

1. Observers: These people wonder events and parties with a gleam in their eye, craving images and scenes that may brighten their dull, vanilla lives. They wish to see their fantasy come alive, they wish to communicate with people who can relate to them.

2. Abusers/Egoists: I have seen many "Dominant" men who can really lay into a submissive, in an intense and hardcore scene. They value the shock factor more then they do the person to which they are abusing. They get off on the public watching as they inflict huge amounts of pain. They feel like a king and like a bad-ass. They pay more attention to those watching then they do to those they are hurting. They do not value the head-space of the bottom, which makes them abusers. I once observed a "Dom" instructing his sub NOT to cry. He wanted to show everyone how hardcore they were.

3. Troubled Girls: It is true that many people in this lifestyle have experienced some sort of trauma or negative childhood experience. I have spoken to many females who have been raped, abused, or molested. I have heard some of the most disturbing stories ever while talking with submissive females in the lifestyle. The trouble is, these girls are incredibly vulnerable and can easily be taken advantage of by Abusers, as described in #2.

4. Performers/public participants: The drama of BDSM is addicting. Watching a scene, parts of it can strike a chord deep within that can keep us up all night. Fantasies that are never spoken of come to life, and entrance the viewers who have opened their mind to it. I will never forget the first time I visited a dungeon, and how much of an impact it had on me. I was shocked, impressed, envious, disturbed, and turned-on all at once. To be apart of the show, to be an image embedded on someone's mind, to corrupt minds and create fantasies: Performers create the vibe and scenes that people crave.

5. Lifestylers: These are people who live BDSM in their day-to-day life. Many have a relationship in which one person is Dominant over the other. There are many levels. Some are simply seeking a submissive partner, while others seek 24/7 live-in Master/slave relationships. Some people are collared, while others go as far as to modify their body to represent ownership.


People in BDSM come from all walks of life. Many or even Most people involved in BDSM do not choose to be public with it. People who are interested in a genuine power exchange tend to avoid the public events, thinking them fake, theatrical, and reckless.

If you are interested in BDSM I do recommend attending events and visiting related social networking sites. However, just be aware that it will be a rocky path, full of disappointments, but also full of wonder and discovery. You will discover parts of yourself you never fathomed existed, and will explore realms you never imagined. The lines between pain and pleasure will be blurred.

Unattainable Beauty

We are obsessed with beauty. It rules are lives. We are slaves to it.

Here is the proof that it is impossible to look the way the celebrity chicks do in the magazines. Most of you already know this. But here is some interesting air brush episodes that occurred this last decade.

UNATTAINABLE BEAUTY

Single Women Still Feel Spinster Stigma

No single woman should have to feel like a "Spinster" just because she is single.

I mean what century are we living in, anyway?

According to a Study, Single Women Still Feel the Spinster Stigma.

Why?

Here is an Excerpt:

"We found that never-married women's social environments are characterized by pressure to conform to the conventional life pathway," said Larry Ganong, co-chair of Human Development and Family at the University of Missouri. "Heightened visibility came from feelings of exposure, and invisibility came from assumptions made by others."

For example, the study subjects said they felt more visible in situations such as bouquet tosses at weddings, which prompted unwanted, intrusive questions about the their marriage status. Yet the respondents also felt invisible in society, with others assuming they were married and had children, and ignoring the reality of single women. The subjects often felt people expected them to justify or explain their singlehood.

The women also reported other difficulties tied to their social status:

Awareness of shifting realities as they become older, such as the shrinking pool of eligible men;

Reminders that they are on different life paths than most women when others inquire about their single status;

Feelings of insecurity and displacement in their families when parents and siblings remark about their singlehood and make jokes or rude comments.

While one might think these annoyances become worse with age, the researchers actually found that dealing with single stigma is the worst for women in their mid-20's through mid-30's, while women older than age 35 tend to be more content with being single and don't express as much dissatisfaction as do younger women.

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This is outrageous. These woman's feelings are a direct product of a fucked up society which tells us that you must get married and have children in order to live a fulfilling life.

My own experience is not so different. As a 24 yr old female who has had only one boyfriend and no dreams of kids or marriage, I encounter these problems and feelings often.

I can not even begin to describe how irritated I am with this.

Women are caring and compassionate creatures by nature, and can contribute so much to the world around them. A women does not need a man to be fulfilled. That is some bullshit leftover from generations before us, when women had little choice or freedom. It is also some bullshit brought on by Religion and it's obsession with marriage and gender roles.

I get lonely, and sometimes I announce in frustration: I need a man! However, while I would love some arms around me and a forehead kiss, my life does not feel any less satisfying because I am single. In fact, so much more opportunity and curiosity is available to me.

Most importantly, I will not settle. Unless something extraordinary happens and I meet my soulmate, I will be single, and I will be happy. I will not just make the next compatible man my boyfriend.

Compatibility is NOT enough. Nope, not for me.

According to the "Study" I only have a year left before I am entering "Spinster" territory.
The proof comes on Facebook, watching so many of my peers have kids and get married.

It seems like that is ALL anyone wants to do with their life!

Child-Free

As a child, my friends would fantasize about their dream weddings, and even as a a young adult they would paint their future similar to most others: Get married, have kids, grow old. They would discuss what kind of parents they would be and plan their life around the primary objective of bearing children.

I kept quiet as I fantasized about twisted things such as getting kidnapped and tied up. Or, I would fantasize about traveling the world, having many adventures, and becoming a famous author or violinist.

One thing I could never picture for myself, is running around after a couple of kids, making PB&J for the next days lunch, and lugging a family to the beach for the day. I would see women walking along with their strollers, and I felt an overwhelming sense of disgust at the idea. Unable to picture myself in that role, I felt lost and awkward around my friends. When my mom spoke of grandchildren I felt guilt because I had a feeling I would be unable to grant her wish. As her only daughter, it would be a grave disappointment for her to discover my disdain at the thought of bearing children.

For most of my life I felt strange, guilty, and slightly less of a woman due to my feelings towards bearing children. Even today I see happy housewives enjoying their summer days at the beach, and mothers embracing their children who adore them so much, and I feel a twinge of bitterness. For a long time I thought I felt bitter because I am some sort of lame person who does not carry the desire to reproduce, and therefore would never experience that life.

I have come to realize that my bitterness is a result of my constant resistance towards a society where women grow up and have kids. In the world we live in, people are shocked when a woman decides not to have children. It is our purpose and duty as owners of the Womb. My discomfort is a result of the constant judgment, and resistance to the idea that I may want to live my life a different way.

Men receive the same judgment. We are to reproduce and continue populating the planet. That is our purpose in life, to continue the human race.

I am not here to beat up on reproduction. Of course people need to reproduce and continue popping out new generations for the future. I am just not one of them. I have a feeling that there are Many people out there who do not have the desire, but they do it anyway because society tells them to and because they can not take the constant questioning from their peers and family.

I am in my early 20s. I have a big Italian family with cousins who are beginning their own families. If I was any other normal Italian girl, I would be next in line to link up in a monogamous relationship, start planning my weddings, and start thinking of baby names. If I wanted to make my mother happy, I would already be pregnant. My friends are searching vigorously for their future baby's daddy, and I keep running into my peers from high school who either have a ring on their finger or a baby on their hip.

Yet I can not seem to find anyone who is truly happy with their life. They all seem stuck. It seems as if they are trying very hard to fit into a mold. They are trying not to disappoint anyone. They hate to abandon their childhood fantasies of baby showers and little league.

Again, I do not want to bash reproduction. We need people to have their families and populate the earth. But I have two questions.

1. Why the rush?

2. Why You?

I suppose those questions are mostly directed towards the younger crowd. If you are reading this and you are over 24, it is most likely that you already have children. You may even be feeling a little defensive at this point.

I had this wonderful revelation when I turned 19. I will never forget. I discovered an amazing, awesome truth, I discovered an idea that would cause a world of opportunity to open up for me.

I Do NOT have to have kids!!

What is this you say? Bearing children is Optional? What a shock right?

Many people dream of raising children, and it is in fact their most precious dream and the purpose for their life. That is wonderful. I would frankly feel miserable, but that is just me. I am sure raising a child is extremely fulfilling, meaningful, and beautiful. However for me, I would find it more meaningful to travel the world, have many lovers and experiences, and do everything I can to make a difference in the world. I feel that not only would kids hold me back, but I would also not be a great person to raise them because I am too selfish.

Selfish is a good thing, by the way. Probably not good for if you want to have children though.

One day while trolling around on Craigslist I came across a Dating Website called: www.IdoNOTwantKids.com.

I became so excited and spent about 45 minutes filling out a profile. I could hardly control myself as I eagerly awaited to find all the like-minded people out there. How cool would it be to go out with someone who has something other than diapers on his/her mind? I clicked "search" and waited for my screen to fill up. To my shock and dismay, there was less than 20 men in the L.A. area who did not want kids, and even less women! Curious, I decided to search the whole site and I found less than 2000 members, many of which were inactive. I can see why! They probably gave up just as I did. Maybe they found someone to talk them into having a family after all.

Eharmony.com and Match.com have member counts well in the 6 digits.

OH and the HATE MAIL on that web site is ridiculous! Tons of upset women and men defending their choice to have kids, as if THEY were the freaks in this show. Come ON there is less than 2000 of us give us a break!

I would like for people to have children because it is an overwhelming desire for them to raise a baby, and not because it is what their friends do and not because it is the natural "next step" in life. I would like people to live their dreams first.

I would like people to acknowledge their dreams and cherish them. Do not just shove them away and chalk it up to a naive fantasy. Reality is what you make it. Your reality does not need to be the same as everyone else.

According to a study done by Science Daily, the Economic benefits of having children have decreased and even diminished since the beginning of the Industrial period. In fact, studies show that having children often hurt families economically and it has become intensely more expensive and costly to raise children. When attempting to discover the reason most Americans choose to have kids, the number one statement received is: It's better for a person to have a child then to go through life childless."

I find that statement to be incredibly close-minded and ridiculous. What rationalization and thought process causes people to feel that life is not worth as much if you do not bear children? It seems as if most people are looking to fill a void in their lives. "Among unmarried white women, both a low value on the social resource factor and a high value on career concerns are needed before our model predicts an intention to remain childless," they say. "Stopping at one child is also relatively infrequent and is almost always associated with a low value on the social resource variable. In contrast, most persons with two or more children do not intend to have any more."

The study basically shows that most people place more value on social standards and norms, than on their own live dreams and accomplishments. While it is certainly possible to have children and remain faithful to your dreams, this is rarely the case. When you commit yourself to a child you put them first, leaving it near impossible to seize the same opportunities in life you would if childless.

Some people want to have children and still focus on careers and dreams, leaving their children behind with a nanny or at home with video games. As a result the next generations are growing up with their own voids that need filling, deriving from a childhood with lack of affection and attention from their families.

Raising a child is meaningful, and that does not mean it needs to come from your womb to be just as special. I never did understand why people are so adamant about having a child from their own body. Should it matter? There are so many orphaned children out there. This is the next generation we are talking about. They are just as special and beautiful as anything you could create after a night of fornicating. I just do not see any reason for so many women popping out kid after kid when millions of beautiful children are starving for love and affection.

I know wonderful mothers, and I do not for one second want to demean their pleasure and fulfillment. However I also know people who have children and do not put their all into it. People who had children because their wives talked them into it, or because they were unsure of the next step in life. While I am fully Pro-choice, I am not one to encourage abortion due to the sensitivity of the subject. For those who were accidentally knocked up and forced into motherhood, I suppose these ideas of mine to not apply to you. My advice: Don't get caught up in a trap that includes being with a person not meant for you and having more kids before you are ready, and use protection next time.

Although I have said that I am too selfish to raise kids, I actually feel that I am not selfish enough to have my own. My dream is to help children all over the world. I LOVE children. I love children so much that I want to spend my life doing what I can to make a difference in the lives of future generations and children in the city of L.A, all over America, and over the world.

18 years is a big chunk of time, and it would be a waste of my life and potential to raise my own child. With all the good I can do in the world, I would feel selfish to focus my life on just 1 or 2 of my own.

I am not down with diapers, daycare, little league, and puberty.

This life is going to be one of a nomad, an adventurer, a world traveler, and twisted sexual fun and hedonism.

I am Proud and Happy to declare myself a Childless woman!!! Hear me Roar!






I am not alone, check out this independent, kick-ass woman who feels the same way: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2009/feb/08/motherhood-children-babies1

Inspiring Interview with Angelina Jolie and website for adoption: http://www.everythingforadoption.com/angelina-jolie-interview.asp

The Study I referenced:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1997/06/970630000458.htm